South Dakota Governor and Trump VP wannabe Kristi “KKKristi” Noem killed a puppy named Cricket 20 years ago because Cricket was *checks two days’ worth of tweets* a really happy puppy who preferred running around having fun to carrying dead birds in her mouth.
KKKristi claimed she “hated” Cricket, which should immediately disqualify her from personhood along with anyone else who claims to hate dogs (HI DONALD). So while Cricket was “having the time of her life,” NRA Noem shot her in the back of the head and tossed her lifeless body into a gravel pit.
And that’s why #KristiNoemIsAMonster was trending all weekend on Twitter and also why she’s never going to be Trump’s choice. Not that he should have one, because he shouldn’t be allowed to run for any public office WHILE HE’S OUT ON BAIL and sitting at the defense table of his first criminal trial. But hey, what does that matter?
The thirstiest of all the Trump VP contenders, Noem has been trying to rehab her already tarnished image (Lewandowski, really? Ew) but she’s done. As much as he also hates dogs, Trump isn’t going to have a puppy murderer standing next to him no matter how much plastic surgery she gets to look like a weird mix of Alina Habba and Ivanka.
KKKristi also has killed goats and horses, because that’s just life on a ranch, according to her new ghostwritten crapbook, No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward.
But she’s not alone in her death jones. The GOP and the NRA are essentially one and the same. Mike Huckabee’s son killed a dog, too. Marjorie Taylor Greene has posted countless pictures of herself with one of her AR-15’s. Marjorie Manson also had a contest on her website for people to shoot wild pigs—which she compared to Democrats—from a helicopter with her.
And how many times have you seen Don Jr and Eric posing with dead wild animals they killed after a whole lot of help trapping those poor animals into inescapable situations?
Lauren “Squeaky” Boebert notoriously owned a restaurant called Shooters, where the servers wore guns on their hips. Granny Bobo also tried to assassinate Nancy Pelosi on January 6th like she was planted in Congress to do, but we’re straying from the topic.
The GOP is a death cult full of animal killers that also enjoys a whole lot of rape, regardless of the age of consent HI MATT GAETZ AND JIM JORDAN (for starters).
The “pro-life” party loves killing a little too much for my tastes, thanks. They’re fine with taking away birth control and abortion rights and don’t care if women die from complications from unviable pregnancies or if a 10-year-old rape victim has to carry her rapist’s baby. They want all of the forced births but then they don’t want to help them thrive. Cutting benefits from SNAP to Social Security will guarantee an overpopulated and undereducated America. I wonder why they want that.
KKKristi now has a global rep as a puppy killer. The GOP shouldn’t see this as a positive, but they’re also still fine with a sundowning adjudicated rapist who, as Colin Jost said Saturday night at the White House Correspondents Dinner, is farting himself awake during his first criminal trial four days a week.
She also HAS A BOOK DEAL. Sure, it’s another ghostwritten pile of right-wing propaganda bullshittery that no one will actually read. In times past, The Republican Publishing Racket guaranteed that the RNC would buy up enough copies to falsely boost books onto the bestseller lists. But now that the RNC is essentially Trump’s piggy bank, it’s likely KKKristi’s krapbook will suffer the same fate at MTG’s—she’ll be forced to give them away, if anyone will come near her again, that is.
This brings us to my book The Sound of Settling, which you all know I wrote myself, and I don’t have a publicity machine boosting me to any lists of any kind as of yet. Despite my best efforts, my birthday month has fallen a bit short of others when it comes to sales, so I’d love your help with a final big push.
Since I like to end with something positive:
My birthday weekend was wonderful. I had brunch on Friday, my actual birthday, with my son, Jack, and his girlfriend, Danielle. Then we went to visit The Sound of Settling at Powell’s!
Later that night, I went dancing with some friends at the 80’s Video Dance Attack. Then on Saturday, I got a tattoo as my birthday present to myself.
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Yesterday—which was my mom’s birthday, but she lives in New York so I couldn’t be with her—I went to brunch with 9 of my friends at a place where I used to work because I had won a $75 gift card there.
I’m very lucky to have the most wonderful friends who know me so very well.
Plus there was cake.
Not a bad way to kick off 55. Now to make this the best year yet by re-electing Biden and Harris, plus getting me the book deal and option I’ve been manifesting.
I can't decide what I like more, the mug or that cake.
Many Republicans have rightfully condemned Kristi for shooting a dog. But two people have yet to speak up. The main two cult leaders of the dumb of this country: Donald Trump and Elon Musk
(PS I would like to hear evdence to the contrary)