EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE ALL THE TIME

No one can have a boring regular day anymore

Hello, Substack friends! Sorry I’ve been MIA for the last week, but a lot of things happened at the same exact time because we live at Threat Level Midnight 24/7/365 at 150 mph.

My beloved mom came for a visit, arriving Monday night. Mom always stays with me in my apartment, which is all of 700 sq ft and includes two cats who don’t enjoy disruptions to their schedules, but we’ve managed fine in the past. This time, both Duke and Maxine seemed more than fine having Mom there, even jumping up on the couch to hang out with us as she did her needlepoint or even when she was sleeping there.

But on Wednesday night, Duke suddenly started acting very weird. I had a big cardboard box in one corner of the living room with a mat and toys in it, and he went in there, then came out and pawed the rug, which was not like him. I checked out the box and he had peed on the mat. Then he slinked off and squatted on the rug in another part of the room, also not like him. I picked him up to get him into the bathroom to his box, and he growled at me, another very un-Duke-like behavior. He seemed to be straining in the box, then peed all over the floor when he got out, and then curled up on a bathroom rug in a posture I’d never seen from him.

Of course it had to happen after 10 pm when my mom was visiting. Of course it did.

I called DoveLewis, the 24-hour animal hospital here in Portland that’s only about a 5-minute drive from where I live. As soon as I described Duke’s behavior, they told me to bring him in.

I got Duke there pretty fast, and the waiting room was shockingly empty. Duke was whisked back to get checked out, and within minutes, one of the techs came out to ask for my consent to give him pain meds. A few minutes later, they brought me back to a room where a vet came to speak to me.

Duke had a urethral obstruction which would be fatal if not treated. The vet told me I had caught it very early, but that he needed an immediate procedure which would include inserting a catheter, which would have to be monitored for 36 to 48 hours.

Yes, it would be expensive. Yes, I was freaking out with worry over my sweet boy.

I hastily signed the consent forms and the estimate, which gave me a helpful range of between $3200 - $5300. And they wanted as much of it as possible—at least $2500—as a deposit to start Duke’s care.

I signed up for CareCredit and was instantly approved for a major chunk of that, which I wouldn’t have even five years ago, so it felt good to at least be able to somewhat handle my business.

Then I got to go back to see my poor Duke, who was fully freaked out but also stoned on whatever they’d given him, so it was all very emotional for me. Look at my baby! It was so hard to leave him there.

Having my mom with me was great because I needed hugs and no one hugs you like your mom does. Plus she could stay with Maxine, who’s not used to being alone in the apartment. She was understandably weirded out, looking around for Duke but not finding him. And it’s not like you can explain anything to a cat, so this sweet girl got a lot of extra attention while her brother was recovering.

I was updating Twitter and my other socials because I was only probably half-covered on what I owed and the rent is due soon. My Venmo kept making the cash register noise, and one person called DoveLewis to contribute directly to Duke’s bill.

Meanwhile, DoveLewis was amazing at communicating with me about Duke’s care. By 1 am, he’d already had the procedure and it went well, with the catheter in place. They would watch his output and test his urine for crystals and anything else. By morning, I’d spoken with the doctor and was able to go visit Duke in the ICU where I met Dr. Suh in person. He was soft-spoken and incredibly generous with his time, explaining very thoroughly what Duke was experiencing besides the Cone of Shame.

Duke was getting IV fluids and his urine output was good, with no evidence of any blood in it. He had a slight fever, which Dr. Suh said was normal between the procedure and the fact that Duke was so nervous the whole time because HE WANTED HIS MOMMY.

There was a small bowl of chicken near him, but Dr. Suh said Duke wasn’t eating. So I put some in my hand and he gobbled it down, which made his doctor very happy to see. “He just needed his Mommy,” I said.

Dr. Suh called me throughout the day on Thursday. Duke’s urine was full of crystals, which meant switching to a special diet FOREVER. This is super fun to think about with two cats, but the even cooler thing is that the crazy expensive urinary diet food is also fine for Maxine, so now I get to pay twice as much for their food FOREVER, hooray!

By the time I picked him up on Friday, I was able to pay the remainder of his bill in full because there are still good people in this world. I am so, so grateful to everyone who helped with Duke’s bill.

I’m writing this on Sunday, and Duke’s been home for two days. When I got him home on Friday, Maxine was like WHO DA FUCK IZ YOU AND WHY DOES YOU SMELL LIKE DAT. I soon learned this is normal behavior and should pass soon. Meanwhile, getting Duke comfortable here has been a task. Anyone who’s ever had a surgical procedure knows the recovery period is rough. Duke had a topical anesthetic applied to the back of his neck intended to last four days, plus we have the sweet sweet Gabapentin for him. There have been some pee incidents away from the bathroom, but Dr. Suh said he was encouraged Duke was peeing and less concerned about where. Duke also hadn’t pooped or eaten while he was there, so once I got him home and fed him the EXPENSIVE AS FUCK Royal Canin, he went super big and things were a little messy.

While Duke’s hospital smell wears off and I wait for Maxine to get over her issues, I’m also Jewish Mother worrying and watching him. He’s been spending most of his time either curled up in the closet or on his favorite bath mat, both comfort spots for him already. I’ve done a lot of laundry already as his body acclimates to the meds and new food, which he’s thankfully eating plenty of. Between the time I started this and now, Duke has moved from his spot in the bathroom to finishing his breakfast to lying on my bed, which is the first time he’s chosen that spot since he’s been home. I’m cautiously optimistic about this progression, because the chance of a re-obstruction is always going to be real and we’re all going to have to adjust to this new normal.

While this was going on, I was actually enjoying my visit with my mom. She lives in New York and there is no such thing as enough time with her. We got to have a few meals with my son and his girlfriend, but we didn’t get to do a lot of our usual fun things because of the Duke Drama. Mom doesn’t care, it’s about spending time together. I always cry when I drop her off at the airport, which I did yesterday morning. She’s 77, I’m 55, and I hate all 3000 of the miles between us.

I had to work while Mom was here, and she hates seeing me get riled up over politics. We watched a few of Kamala’s rallies together and she could see how emotional it made me. She would say over and over that she admired my passion—even though it can be a little much at times, which I’m well aware of—but that she wished I didn’t have to do it for my job. She’s grateful I have a gig, as am I, but the whole “beggars can’t be choosers” thing applies here. It’s what my ex-boyfriend would call a “Yeah, but still” situation.

This brings us to MY BOOK, The Sound of Settling, which I self-published on Amazon. This is problematic now that Jeff Bezos has come out as MAGA and wouldn’t let the Washington Post Editorial team run its endorsement of Kamala Harris. I want nothing more than to fuck with his livelihood, but for now, it’ll fuck with mine if people refuse to buy my book from Amazon. It’s where I get the best royalties FOR NOW, which aren’t much, but until I get that elusive book deal, it’s all I’ve got. There are two alternatives: Powells.com and IngramSpark.com, but again, our eyes are on the prize of finally getting signed so I don’t have to micromanage every copy sold.

Which is nearly 800! Yay!

SO! If you haven’t gotten your copy yet, today would be a great day to do so via any of the links I provided. It would also help me so much if you’d share The Sound of Settling on your socials while my Twitter continues to be hella suppressed by Russian asshat Leon Trumpmusk.

Thank you! I love you, and we’re going to win. Because WE ARE.