MAGA BULLIES ARE BIG MAD ABOUT DARK BRANDON'S EPIC SOTU

Plus, E. Jean is going to get hella paid as soon as Trump loses his latest appeal

Sleepy Joe was nowhere to be found last night at the State of the Union, it was all Dark Brandon Energy (#DBE) from start to finish.

And all the milquetoast MAGAt bullies couldn’t handle all of the truths delivered in a fiery speech full of win after win simply based on *GASP* actual facts.

Yes, President Joe Biden occasionally stuttered, because you all know why. He also tackled every issue his critics say he ignores. From gun control to the border to Gaza, Dark Brandon didn’t just address the problems, he immediately shared his solutions along with the historic accomplishments of his administration.

It took our legitimately elected and incredibly popular President nearly half of the speech’s running time (a brisk 68 minutes) to even get to the podium because he stopped to chat and take selfies with so many people on the House floor.

The moment he encountered Still-At-Large-Marge, who showed up in full MAGA campaign swag while using Laken Riley as yet another political prop, was glorious. It’s full-on “Aww, did you get all dressed up to see Pop-Pop?” energy.

I miss actual decorum in the House chamber, don’t you? Marge never should’ve been allowed into the chamber in the first place while she was dressed as the world’s oldest and worst Hooters waitress, because she was in full violation of House rules.

And when Marge acted like the howler monkey I knew she’d be, Dark Brandon shut down her culturally appropriated chants of “SAY HER NAME!” by saying Lakin Riley’s name.

That pretty much shut her up, but there were other moments when Republicans booed or heckled Dark Brandon, who simply smiled and served them their own asses right back to them.

Since the speech was so great, all of the MAGA bullies are doing that dumb nitpicky thing where they blow up something for the sake of being dumb bullies.

They can’t fight Dark Brandon on the facts, so they’re calling him “angry.” Huh. Who else did they say that about, I can’t quite recall.

As I was starting this post, the news broke that bankrupt grifting adjudicated rapist criminal fraud Donald Trump posted the full amount required for his appeal bond in the E. Jean Carroll defamation case.

Props to Twitter user @mcar2021, who explained the sitch so succinctly that I feel no need to get in an uproar about this last-minute Hail Mary move.

“Trump posting the $91 million dollar bond is good news for E Jean Carroll! As soon as Trump loses the appeal, the money is readily available and will be transferred directly to E Jean.”

Of course, he’ll lose the appeal. The only thing Trump is good at is losing. And Trump news without a primal scream right after it is a WIN in my book.

AND SPEAKING OF MY BOOK (see what I did there?), I would love your help in getting The Sound of Settling to more people. You can request it in your local indie bookstores and libraries! You can share the link to your socials! Those things are all free to do if you haven’t bought the book yet like 552 other people already have. I’m seeing an uptick in paperbacks being sold, which is great. You can still get it for free if you have Kindle Unlimited!

And now, you can also BE IN my follow-up, Heavy Meddling!

Upgrade to a founding subscription and I’ll name a character after you! I’m only now starting to edit my draft, so there’s plenty of time to add you in and make you immortal.

If you sign up at the $80 price point, you get to name a song title, which I’ll then write lyrics for somewhere in the book.

You’ll also be in the acknowledgments for extra proper bragging rights to show your friends and pass down to your kids to really seal your legacy.

If you can only swing the $8 subscription—two coffees a month—you’ll get an early peek at the new pages at some point, plus you’ll get to comment right away! I made the comments paid-only because MAGA assholes are starting to harass me here now too yaaaay.

Also, THE LIGHT RETURNS THIS WEEKEND as we Spring Ahead and can it just stay that way forever after, please? It shouldn’t be dark at 8 am AND 4 pm.

Therefore, I shall leave you with a song written by my favorite Beatle, George Harrison.