MY KIND OF "WOKE MATH"

Your girl is putting up some NUMBERS, yo

As a struggling author and freelance writer, it’s always been my dream to get discovered by an agent or producer who sees the untapped goldmine that I am and understands immediately that my mind is worth millions.

It’s fairly easy to prove that I know what I’m talking about when I talk about the very limited range of topics that I know things about. Music and politics are my passions, and I’m happy to write and speak about both (although music wins every time, of course). My track record speaks for itself, easily viewable on my social medias.

In just one example from my five years of doing the midday show on KNRK (“94/7 Alternative Portland”), I created and named the station’s longest-running and still most successful concert series, December to Remember, which began in 2004 and has continued every year since, minus the pandemic, when the venue was closed. December to Remember shows always sell out at the Crystal Ballroom, and I don’t know how much money I’ve made for Audacy (which was Entercom back then) over the last 21 years, but I know haven’t gotten a penny from it.

My NosTARAdamus political takes have often been proven right, and I’ve enjoyed some visibility, but nothing has impressed anyone in the publishing or film industry. In the pre-Trump years of Twitter, it seemed like anyone with a viral enough tweet was getting handed Comedy Central stand-up specials or book deals for their memoirs. And there I was, waving my little internet arms, to no avail.

Fast-forward to the swill pit that Twitter is today, full of Nazi douches and fake MAGAbots pushing heinous propaganda with added bonus racism and xenophobia—all controlled by a trillionaire dipshit who makes Boy Genius from Alien: Earth seem like a nice guy.

Spoiler: Not a nice guy

My account is so suppressed, I’m amazed anyone sees anything I send out. But I’m still trying to get that sweet sweet deal for The Sound of Settling, even if it’s literally (and LITERALLY) the worst time ever to be attempting to get a book deal. The stubborn 5-year-old Tara, who’s still in here, keeps demanding fairness, while the stubborn 56-year-old Tara just refuses to let Nazis run me out of anywhere, so I stay on Twitter.

Also, that’s where the Republicans are, and it’s my job to know what they’re putting out there.

For now.

The dream has also made space for someone like Stephen King, who follows me back, to tweet that they’ve read my book and they love it.

Stephen King has generously boosted lots of new authors before, and I’ve tried to get his attention, but he’s also busy being Stephen King. Just like all of the other celebrities who have a copy and may or may not have read it, who are busy with their own things.

Alternatively, I’ve often hoped that some political idea of mine that would make a real difference would go viral. Like my idea for a Democratic Press Secretary, which we still desperately need.

Or something else that was super clever or very smart, something meaningful that mattered, which would make heads throughout the publishing industry snap to attention and recognize there was money to be made from this clearly unheralded, untapped writing goldmine with a mind worth millions of dollars.

That still hasn’t happened.

But then, on Tuesday, something did happen. Something that proved that I can land a zinger and touch a nerve.

I did it. I went viral! Just eight words to rocket me into internet fame.

And it was for something SO. FUCKING. STUPID.

Not about my book. Not about politics. Just another post mocking Rapey McPedo and his constant stream of obvious bullshit lies that MAGA eats three meals a day. I didn’t even use a hashtag like “#ReleaseTheEpsteinFiles.” I just did it and moved on to the next thing.

But somehow…it broke through the confines of the algorithms and got shared by some MAGA super account, along with some huge liberal ones, and KABOOM.

It’s over 10 million now, and it’s still going.

Seriously.

It’s my most successful tweet in my entire Twitter life, which began in 2009. JOHN CLEESE retweeted it. I made John Cleese laugh. ME!

And so many people are like, “Is that real?”

First of all, it’s CLEARLY not a real statement from Tylenol. The smirk emoji is a dead giveaway visual clue that I’m kidding. I saw the meme on Facebook and thought it was funny. I added my Tara Take and was done.

But the use of the word “official” was enough for the brave MAGA keyboard warriors to collectively wet themselves into writing unnecessary Community Notes and boost it into something that might make me more than a buck and a quarter on Twitter for once.

The replies to the original tweet are the stuff of both gold and yet also despair, because, again, these are the fucking stupidest people ever created and Trump told them so.

The MAGA Cult Morons have boosted me to the point where I’ve gained “worldwide interest,” according to Daily Kos.

I’m not exactly clear on this, considering there’s no article about it. Do they mean worldwide interest in Trump being dumb about autism, or my specific tweet? Because I can tell you it hasn’t garnered any “worldwide interest” in my book yet.

MAGA is so triggered that Snopes.com actually had to write about me to chill them out. I AM SO POWERFUL, GIMME BOOK DEAL.

Yes, these are the same people who immediately accepted Dr. Oz’s Anti-Autism Snake Oil & Floor Wax as a substitute for acetaminophen (which we all learned Trump can’t pronounce). Yes, there’s also a meme for that.

In fact, there are multiple Tylenol memes out there, and they all make me happy.

You get the point.

Also, Trump is still in the Epstein Files & both Fox News AND the Wall St Journal have verified his signature on the birthday letter, but that’s still not a bigger story because Jimmy Kimmel.

*screams in 2025*

So I’m currently riding this viral wave, waiting for it to move my professional needle anywhere. If I had a dollar for every view, I’d probably be signing the option for The Sound of Settling with a streamer like Netflix or HBO. How do we make hay?

Because another fun woke math thing has happened.

All those 7’s would be lucky in Las Vegas. I need them to get lucky here, and now.

If all 7000-ish unpaid subscribers traded up to the lowest paid subscription, that would be incredible. If all of you bought The Sound of Settling, that would also be incredible. If all of you would share The Sound of Settling or the link to this Substack on your socials, I’d appreciate it SO MUCH.

We have to make something really good happen. Everyone loves a rags-to-riches overnight success story, and we haven’t had one of those in forever, so why not me?

Do it for Duke and Maxine. They love eating SO MUCH.