'SCUSE ME WHILE I DISS THIS GUY

Mike Johnson is a compromised election denier who wants to turn American into Gilead

Wednesday (Oct 25th) was just a really shitty day in America.

Aside from Donald Trump getting slapped with a $10K fine for letting the wrong things spew from his puckered orange anus mouth while on the stand in New York, Republicans had a banner day.

Not only did they manage to install a majorly repressed compromised Jesus freak election denier who also doesn’t have a single clue about how women’s bodies work, but they got more red MAGA meat to throw around thanks to yet another mass shooting in Murica by yet another white guy who never should’ve been able to get his hands on an AR-15.

What could be more anti-American than justifying the ritual slaughter of American citizens, and more specifically, American children?

Let’s tackle these chronologically. Before he was voted in, a group of House Republicans used the chamber floor to pray for Mike Johnson, who’s like if Davey from Davey and Goliath grew up to be a seriously repressed compromised Jesus freak who most definitely has a prayer closet somewhere in his house so he can lock up his wife and keep her from telling the truth about what a repressed compromised Jesus freak he really is.

Yeah, I know Mike “Hunt” Johnson is a little blurry there, I don’t care about him and therefore will not fix it. Fuck that guy.

Anyway, MAGA Mike has a microboner for election denialism and has absolutely no idea how babies are born.

Commander Johnson is really the Speaker of the House now.

Speaking of Gilead, useless Maine Senator Susan “Aunt Lydia” Collins is once again under fire (pun very much intended) after a mass shooting in her state resulted in the deaths of 20 people (at the time of this writing), with dozens more injured. They haven’t caught suspect Robert Card at this writing, either, but I’m guessing there will eventually be that moment where one of two things will happen:

1. Police will somehow apprehend Card and his AR-15 and “arrest him without incident” because he’s white

2. Police will help him take his own life in one way or another

Because Murica, we’ve seen this film before. Although not set in Maine, because before this horrific rampage, the state had somehow managed to never have a mass shooting on its record.

Even as the events in Maine were unfolding in real time, the NRA gun nuts on Twitter were already “from my cold dead hands”-ing because they need their ween extenders to feel safe.

No, you don’t.

Russian-funneled NRA blood money has paid for a lot of scare tactic-based advertising. After all, who’s scarier than the Russians?

They decided long ago they’d make everyone afraid of their own shadow. Fear has been profitable for evil men since the dawn of time (I’m looking directly at the Roman Catholic Church and all other organized religions). Playing into people’s fears has made gun makers very wealthy.

But propaganda can’t spread by itself, and so the unholy alliance of the NRA with the Russians has created a niche business for them in keeping people scared to open their front doors.

I’ve never owned a gun, never wanted to own a gun, never felt like I needed one. When I was a kid, there was a series of burglaries in our New Jersey neighborhood. We got popped twice. Instead of buying a gun, my father got an alarm system for the house. No one ever robbed us again once they saw the sign for the alarm company.

I have lived in New York City, Atlanta, and now Portland, and have never wanted a gun.

Even after Matt Gaetz harassed me and encouraged his followers to do the same, and I got rape and death threats while nothing has ever happened to him, I have never wanted a gun.

No one needs an AR-15. No one. No one. No one.

Please vote for Democrats. I don’t care if you don’t personally like the candidates on your ballot. I need you to care about the greater good of this country as a whole above your take that Joe Biden is too old or whatever.

Democrats vote for sensible gun laws. Democrats vote for you to have bodily autonomy. Democrats vote for you to make your own decisions about your own life. Democrats vote to fix everything Republicans have fucked up.

Mike Johnson won’t last long, I have to believe that. The House GOP’s majority is about to get even thinner once George “Anthony Devolder Zabrovsky Kitara Ravache Jingleheimer Schmidt” Santos gets sentenced for one or more of the 23 charges he’s facing on Friday, Oct 27th, which is too bad because he’ll miss all the 1989 (Taylor’s Version) release fun.

If you would like to help the families in Maine impacted by horrific gun violence, the Boston Bruins have set up a fund: BostonBruins.com/LewistonStrong.

We can talk about my book another time. Right now, I’m too mad at Mike Johnson and the rest of the compromised GOP.