TIM WALZ WON THE VP DEBATE

Or, How Quiet Lies Are Still Lies

JD “Vladimir Futon” Vance didn’t yell anything about anyone eating dogs and cats at last night’s Vice Presidential debate, so some people think he won, which he really didn’t.

There wasn’t one thing Vance said that was true aside from verifying the existence of his wife, Sad Usha, and his three egg-obsessed kids.

America’s Dad, Gov. Tim “Coach” Walz, was a little nervous initially, giving some Cindy Brady-staring-at-the-red-light vibes but then finding his groove late in the first quarter.

Vladimir Futon Vance flat-out lied about everything from claiming he never wanted a national abortion ban to saying Donald Trump saved Obamacare. If you did Nazi any of those lies coming, you haven’t been paying attention to Peter PayPal’s favorite white supremacist pet. Thankfully, screenshots are forever, because JD scrubbed this from his website a few months ago. Weird, huh?

Coach Dad landed the best lines of the night, from telling America who Trump and Vance really are to “that’s a damning non-answer” when he point-blank asked Vance who won the 2020 election and Vance immediately moved the goalposts to Kamala Harris (whom he seemed to think is already President because he blamed everything on her and made up other stuff to blame her for) and censorship BECAUSE HE IS A WEIRD LYING NAZI OWNED BY PETER PAYPAL.

Not answering the 2020 election question = immediate debate loss.

Vance didn’t back down from his lies about Haitian immigrants living legally in Springfield, he just didn’t yell about the cats and dogs. But he’s still a Nazi liar who hates women and all people of color.

Comrade Couchfucka also still has no idea how babies are made and born because he lied about women having abortions after birth, WHICH IS NOT A THING. Abortion shouldn’t be a political talking point because what happens inside a private citizen’s body is NO ONE’S FUCKING BUSINESS, but since this is where we are, please at least vote for the party that wants women to have full autonomy and privacy when it comes to medical decisions.

JD brought serious timeshare pitch vibes to his crazy-fast delivery while wearing a hot pink tie along with his trademark eyeliner and pink lip gloss. Tim Walz is the only candidate in the Presidential race who doesn’t wear makeup, weird!

Seriously, if he wasn’t installed in the Senate a mere two years ago by a rich Nazi tech bro, JD Vance would be the world’s oldest Hot Topic cashier who’s also the lead singer of an Adam and the Ants cover band that’s never once finished a rehearsal.

Fox News viewers are even saying Tim Walz won, okay? JD Vance just lies in a quieter voice than Donald Trump does, but he’s still a great big Nazi liar who hates women and can’t even order a donut like a human person.

Let’s all make this final push about making sure everyone is registered to vote and then we set a record for voting so the results aren’t close at all. It needs to be hugely and glaringly obvious that Americans have overwhelmingly chosen Mamala Kamala and Coach Dad over Putin’s Puppets. When we say “We’re not going back,” we also mean we’re not reliving the 2016 election.

I’m doing my best to not get burnt out as we head into these last weeks, but I’m definitely feeling crispy around the edges. I’m writing seven days a week over at HillReporter, and while I’m so happy to get paid, it’s still a lot of mental space being occupied by all the things.

I’ve been cocooning a bit after the last couple of busy weeks, but I also have that anxious feeling underneath it all. You know what would make me feel better?

IF YOU BOUGHT MY BOOK, please.

It’s why I started this Substack, even if I mostly write about politics. While I care very much about our democracy, I also care very much about The Sound of Settling becoming a proper mass-market paperback. I care about getting a real publishing deal and an agent who can get an option so we can adapt my rock and roll love story into the streaming series my readers have been demanding, along with its follow-up, Heavy Meddling.

It would also mean a lot if you would share The Sound of Settling on your socials. I did a nice long podcast about it with the wonderful Jack Hopkins. We did talk about politics, but it was the first time I’ve been able to talk about my book and Dave Grohl at length. So check it out—right after you get your own copy.