WHAT A DIFFERENCE A FEW DAYS MAKE
Or, Tara Tells the Truth About Attempting Adulting
How is it Friday already? This week has blazed by so fast that I thought today was only Thursday.
In my last entry, I shared the good news that I’ve gotten more paid work. It’s been eight months since I lost my podcast in a real super shitty way (nutshell: the bosses told my partner before they told me, and she didn’t tell me either; I had to find out when I reached out to her the next day to tell her about someone I’d booked for our next show), and the slog to survive took a lot out of me, psychically speaking.
When you’re given your own podcast on an established network, you think you’ve made it to the next level in some way. We had a good thing going: we were booking great guests and building an audience. But we didn’t really get much support from the bosses, who expected us to generate more paid subscribers and get sponsors. So they pulled the plug on us without warning, just like my radio bosses at KNRK did to me in 2009. I was furious about the shady way they’d gone about it. We didn’t get a chance to say a proper goodbye to our audience, and we didn’t get a better explanation than that we didn’t make enough for them, even though they hadn’t even given us a full year.
Returning to the “struggle and survival” cycle was all too familiar, but this time it felt more personal, bringing back so many of the same feelings I’d had when I lost my dream radio gig. The same men who’d raved about my talent and connections no longer wanted any of it, not even at a measly few hundred bucks a week.
For the last eight months, I put a life together piecemeal, and those who helped along the way have my eternal gratitude, as do the people who have given me new work over the last ten days.
June is the first month since October that I’ve been able to pay the rent and have the next month’s rent as part of the remainder. Those who’ve never lived the freelancer’s lifestyle probably can’t imagine living this way, and why would you? It’s not fun and has no real security. I’m also still trying to land that book deal and option, but those aren’t eggs you can put in any basket until it actually happens. But the new work I have lined up is real.
So this week, I did things for myself I haven’t done in a while.
Like breathing more easily because I already know July is taken care of.
And not spending hours applying for gigs where no one even bothers to reply.
Or living all day with a knot in my stomach and buying myself a burger to put in there instead.
Once I met my work quota for the day, I took a lot of walks this week. I spent real quality time with my friends over two amazing nights at my beloved Low Bar Chorale (back to that in a moment). Yesterday, my friend Alison took me to Costco, where I hadn’t been since probably 2014. Alison and I love to shop together, especially when we’re thrifting on SE Hawthorne. We’re each other’s enablers in the best and most fun ways. While I certainly didn’t go nuts in there, it felt so good to be able to dip my debit card without worrying about the total.
Plus, the hot dog combo is still only $1.50, with free refills at the soda fountain.
Having the choice of when I’m online is a joy. I plan to be offline as much as I can get away with this summer. That doesn’t mean I won’t be writing here; it just means I’m going to set my phone down when I watch something on TV instead of having two screens going. It means I’m going outside and moving my body every day, as long as it’s not pouring rain. It means I’m going to spend more time with people in real life. I hope to make it to the Coast more than once this summer as well. My mom is visiting next month for five days, and I can’t wait to reconnect with her by disconnecting from the internet as much as I can while she’s here.
It’s not easy for me (or her) to stop worrying after eight months of nothing but worrying, but I’m going to do everything I can to break that pattern in the most positive ways. I’m all about gratitude and paying my good fortunes forward as much as possible, both financially and with the way I interact with others. Instead of hiding at home and being isolated with my cats, I’m going to say yes to all the invitations I get to go out. Because I can.
And you should, too! Joy isn’t just a choice, it’s an act of resistance.
Pure joy was felt yet again on Monday and Tuesday nights at Low Bar Chorale. Monday was acoustic, Tuesday had the plugged-in band. Among others, we sang “The One I Love” by R.E.M. and “Days We Left Behind,” from Paul McCartney’s flawless new album, The Boys of Dungeon Lane.
If only everyone could feel the way we do when we sing together, this world would be a much happier place.
My friend John Fugelsang is in Portland tomorrow, so I’ll be able to see his talk and grab some time with him. I can go to brunch on Sunday if I want, or whatever else I feel like doing.
It’s the weekend. Do things for yourself that don’t make you feel angry at the world. Maybe take my book with you if you’re heading to a pool, lake, or beach! It’s been working for other people, so maybe you’ll enjoy the escape as well.
See you next week, my sweethearts!