WHO'S AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD MEANIE?

Well, you shouldn't be (With apologies to Taylor Swift)

Being a witness to history is weird when the history you’re witnessing is profoundly stupid.

Donald Trump’s first criminal trial wrapped up yesterday after closing arguments were given by both sides. It essentially went like this:

LOW-ENERGY TODD BLANCHE: Um, Michael Cohen lied. This is all on him. And, um, yeah, he lied. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it. *tries to wake Trump up yet again*

ASSISTANT MANHATTAN DA JOSHUA STEINGLASS: *reads over four hours of trial summation reminding the jury of the overwhelming factual evidence showing just how fucking guilty Trump is*

Trump has to wait out the jury’s decision, and now the court of public opinion starts its own deliberations. People seem really worried about MAGA retribution at the announcement of a Guilty verdict, which is a really dumb reason to let Trump get away with committing election interference.

The glory of today is that we here on Earth One know how guilty Trump is. And we know he knows it, because he keeps telling us. I love this finding out more than any other finding out ever.

And we all know you have no place comparing yourself to Mother Teresa, motherfucker.

As I tweeted, “Captain Projection Language knows he’s going to lose this trial. Expect nothing but all-caps fear-sharting on unTruth unSocial until the jury’s decision.”

I saw this about four seconds later. And this is only the beginning for Donny All-Caps.

Sure you don’t know what your charges are, you lying sack of fraudulent crap.

More people need to talk about what a coward Trump is. That’s why he never takes responsibility when everything is his fault, and also why he sent his MAGA minions to hang Mike Pence and hunt down Nancy Pelosi on January 6th.

That little bitch also blocked me in September 2015 and never unblocked me. What a wuss, afraid of some chick on Twitter telling all the truths about him that he hates, waaaah!

Who’s afraid of little old me? This little old meanie, that’s who. Poser.

A Guilty verdict seems more likely when you consider the defense never defended the defendant because you can’t defend the indefensible. “Innocent and Transparent” Trump took the Fifth Amendment instead of perjuring himself on the stand.

The MAGA cult has plenty of excuses for the reasons why Trump does and doesn’t do certain things. They split hairs and move goalposts into semantics arguments because they have no facts on their side.

They cry about Robert DeNiro, Michael Fanone, and members of the Biden campaign showing up in New York to hold a press conference about how abnormal it is for anyone to be supporting the adjudicated rapist who committed election interference, among his 88 charges.

But the Trumpocrites were fine with Trump’s identically dressed Emotional Support Sycophants who showed up “as his friends,” including the Speaker of the House.

Trump didn’t need to testify on his behalf, they trolled me, because Michael Cohen took care of it for him. Which makes no sense, but then again, this is the MAGA cult of morons who bought an autographed Bible.

There are 34 charges of falsifying business records in this trial. The prosecution presented reams of evidence, an email paper trail that led directly to and from Trump. One of the more damning facts from this trial is not just that Trump made the hush money payments, but when he made them.

That’s just sus, as the Gen Z kids would say. No cap.

Some people are worried about his cult retaliating in response to a Guilty verdict, and it’s understandable considering what the MAGAts did to the Capitol on January 6th. I don’t doubt that some might act out, but I also think the majority of them probably don’t want to go to prison.

As I write this, the jury has been deliberating for about three and a half hours. MSNBC is keeping watch (sidebar: and when are you firing Katy Tur for being a Trumpshill, Rashida “Not the Cool ‘Parks & Rec’ Rashida” Jones? Oh wait, I’m asking the woman who tried to hire Ronna Romney, nevermind). For those of us not on the jury, it seems fairly cut and dry.

But they may need more than today to go over all of the evidence, with MSNBC reporting that the jury was hearing several key pieces of requested testimony from prosecution witnesses David Pecker and Michael Cohen, along with the details of the phone calls Trump made to both and the deal he had with his other mistress, Karen McDougal.

But until something actually happens, I ask everyone to stop being scared and start showing a united front of expectation from our court system. Trump is guilty. He knows he’s guilty. We can only hope that this jury returns a unanimous verdict that backs us up. Anyone else would’ve already been locked up, as so many in the Trump Crime Syndicate prove. And Steve Bannon is the next one to hear that cell door slam behind him. I hope he doesn’t fare well in Gen Pop.

Let’s wrap up on dual notes of positivity, literally: I’m 6 copies away from selling 666 copies of my rock and roll love story The Sound of Settling, a stat that delights me. You can help out with that, she asked hopefully so her May sales get a nice extra boost in these last days of the month.

And last night, my beloved Low Bar Chorale had our usual acoustic singalong at ShowBar in Revolution Hall. We sang two songs to honor the late, great Steve Albini: “Where Is My Mind?” by The Pixies, and “All Apologies” by Nirvana. No slam on Butch Vig, but “In Utero” is my favorite Nirvana album. Also, fun fact: I’ve never said the word “Nirvana” or used Kurt Cobain’s name to Dave Grohl, just because I wanted to be one person in his life who didn’t.

But ANYWAY, here’s Low Bar Chorale doing “All Apologies,” which I also call “All A Ball Of Cheese,” and maybe you will now too.

@taradublinrocksRIP Steve Albini #nirvana

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