FELONIOUS TRUMP IS SINGING THE ALVIN BRAGG BLUES
Sing along with me, shall you?
(All apologies to the late great Thelonious Monk, but I just can’t get my nickname for convicted felon adjudicated rapist Donald Trump out of my head. It’s a different kind of brainworm from what RFK Jr has. An earworm for the brain, like.)
I enjoy waking up in a world where Joe Biden is my President and Donald Trump is a convicted felon.
We already knew Trump was guilty as fuck, but now it’s a real legal decision no amount of MAGA trolling will ever change. A jury of 12 New Yorkers—including a woman who said she got most of her news from Truth Social—unanimously convicted Trump on all 34 of the felony charges he was facing. You know, when he managed to keep his puffy lizard eyes open.
While us normies on Earth One celebrated that our justice system was still functioning, the MAGA Cult Morons were trying all kinds of projection language-y spin to justify their support for a now-convicted felon:
—Witch hunt (yawn)
—A Democratic plot to undermine the American judicial system (as they attempt to dismantle it along with our voting system)
—Rigged jury (based on King Baby whining that the trial was “rigged” before it was
even half-finished because he knew he was going to lose, just like he did before he lost the 2020 election)
—JOE BIDEN (something something)
So yeah, they got nothing.
This morning, we’re already starting to see a different narrative from MAGA now: move the RNC’s convention, which is currently scheduled for July 15th, a scant four days after Trump’s sentencing.
You may recall that Michael Cohen went to prison for the same crimes Trump has been convicted of, so it’s logical to anticipate that jail time will be a part of the sentence. Considering Judge Merchan’s daughter has been repeatedly targeted and threatened by Trump and his MAGA Cult, I don’t see Trump shuffling away on probation.
But Trump’s biggest emotional support sycophants, like Clay “KKKlay” Higgins, are tweeting “MOVE THE CONVENTION!”
Is it possible they have a backup plan already? If Trump has to serve any jail time, that kind of makes it hard for him to keep campaigning. He can’t even vote for himself now that he’s a convicted felon. Moving the convention will only delay the inevitable that I’ve been talking about for a while—they’re going to have to replace Trump at the last minute with someone who isn’t prepared for it.
It won’t be Nikki Haley. Maybe they’ll get Chris Christie back in the race because he’s the closest thing to a normal Republican they can run at this point. I only suggested that forever ago, but what do I know about politics?
Also, traitorous Nazi Trumptwunt Still-At-Large Marge Greene tweeted that she’ll unfollow anyone suggesting Trump be replaced at the convention, so guess what happened?
It’s going to be extra unfun on the socials between now and July 11th. Trump had a batshit unhinged press conference this morning where he spewed some more lying verbal diarrhea that his cult drank up like it was Wild Cherry Mountain Dew.
He can try to appeal, but 34 felonies are tough to fight when you don’t have any new evidence exonerating you, you fucking criminal.
So while we wait for his sentencing, we’re allowed to have all the fun we want at his expense. Aside from always calling him Convicted Felon Adjudicated Rapist Trump (#CFART? Can we make that happen?), here’s my latest Trump parody.
I begin to post 'round midnight
I don’t sleep at night
I did pretty well but now I’m sundowning
Suppertime Happy Meal I'm feeling sad
But it really gets bad after midnight
All-caps rage-sharts all night
Until daylight
Haven't got the spine to stand those felonies
When it’s all just a witch hunt
And the fake news media knows it too
With my sentence pending
Does it mean MAGA is ending?
MAGA I need you
Lately I find
You’re out of spin
And I'm out of my mind
Let the bloodbath begin, it’s your right
I don’t sleep at night
Let the cult freaks sing
For my returning
Let me be safe and sound
When Jack Smith comes around
Let me sleep through the night
Just one night
SHE IS AN UNTAPPED WRITING GOLDMINE. Related: please buy my book, The Sound of Settling. As of right this second, I’m on track to hit 666 copies sold! If only my 666th reader could be Stephen King, that would be pretty awesome. (check that date)
A joke to lighten the mood:
Dan told me that he looked into the near future and Trump standing at the door way to Hell, where he was met by Satan himself. Satan said because several of Trump’s predecessors had died before him, there was no room for him but that because he deserved an eternity of suffering more than any other president, Satan had decided to allow Trump to chose someone else to go to Heaven so Trump could take their place. There were 3 doors and Satan opened one at a time. Nixon was behind the first being beaten with whips wielded by millions of Vietnamese, Cambodians and Laotians who he had called “collateral damage.” Trump didn’t like that at all and asked to look at the next room. It was Reagan slowly peeling bark off giant red wood trees, the trees growing back the bark before he could move to the next tree. Trump hated that and rejected it. The final door had Bill Clinton laying on his back on a bed with Monica Lewinsky doing what she was famous for doing to him. Trump immediately said he could handle that for eternity. Satan nodded and said, “OK Monica, you’re going up to Heaven.”
I wrote this post which consists of just 34 words:
https://substack.com/home/post/p-145147252?source=queue