THE TORTURED TRUMPERS DEPARTMENT
MAGA is melting down extra hard while they watch Dear Leader fart & snore in court. Plus, BIRTHDAY WEEK BEGINS YAY!
I don’t know if there’s a way to measure all the MAGA schadenfreude I’ve devoured over the last week thanks to The Godfarter (happy to take credit for that one, I am) embarrassing them into a meltdown of epic proportions.
The molting orange adjudicated rapist who was caught on tape committing election fraud couldn’t keep his puffy lizard eyes open during the first week of his first criminal trial.
It was reported that sundowning diapered Paw Paw delivered several Silent But Deadly farts as he nodded off, enveloping his poor unpaid lawyers in an unspeakably foul waft of something I’d rather not try to imagine smell-tasting for hours afterward.
Never tell me the Left can’t meme when we had this gold within minutes after I first tweeted “The Godfarter,” which pairs nicely with “Don Snoreleone” as a new nickname.
It’s possible other Twitter wordsmiths also put this together quickly, and I’m happy to share the spotlight with them, because there are plenty of MAGA trolls to piss off together, friends!
Aside from being kept off of the campaign trail because he’s a fucking criminal who’s finally finding out, Whiny McFartface has been staying up all night whining on his failing Twitter clone instead of sleeping. Because that’s what court is for, losers!
He complained to the media that it’s “freezing” in the courtroom despite sitting there in a suit.
He also had to cancel a rally over the weekend because of bad weather, so that’s yet another missed opportunity to yell at a cloud in front of his cult.
The jury has been seated and sworn in. Testimony is going to start. Defendant Donald can’t stop any of it from happening. He has to sit there and listen to Michael Cohen, Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal, and Hope Hicks, among others, testify about him. What’s the over/under on him yelling at them and then being held in contempt?
When he’s not sleeping or farting, or sleeping AND farting, that is.
This will be his face the whole time, just more burnt umber in color and way puffier around the eyes. But this is also one of those pictures that’s worth a thousand words (or just one nice long laugh) because it sums up his default mood setting so well.
MUHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.
He’s really not going to make it through five more weeks of this if his first week was this bad. His remaining staff of suckers and losers keep tweeting like his trial isn’t completely his fault. The MAGA trolls are big mad that they can’t dispute the truth that his trial is actually taking place, so they’ve been trying to distract us with *checks Twitter* a whole lot of nothing.
SEETHE, losers. They feel low, so we get high from it. That’s my new motto that I just made up the day after 4/20 because I’m clever like that.
This brings us to the very clever Taylor Swift. You may have heard she released The Tortured Poet’s Department (aka TTPD) on Friday at midnight (9 pm for us West Coast Swifties) and then announced it was actually a double album two hours later. Because she’s a Mastermind.
Since I identify as a Swiftie Over 50, I was ready for Taylor to pull something like this, although I was still hoping she’d surprise us by finally releasing her version of Reputation.
TTPD has already been deconstructed all over the internet as Swifties and others pored over the lyrics about Taylor’s breakups with Matty Healy of The 1975 and Joe Alwyn. There are also at least two songs about Travis Kelce, and props to him for being so secure in their relationship that he can proudly stand by her side or watch her from the VIP tent while she promotes an album about her former lovers.
When I get new music from an artist I already love, I put it on and listen to it a few times to absorb it. After a few listens, TTPD is like if evermore and Midnights had a torrid affair. There’s my elevator pitch. I don’t know how many Swifties are subscribed here, so I don’t want to bore you all with more than that.
Finally, it’s officially my birthday week! I’ll be 55 on Friday, and I have a lot of fun things planned. I’m telling a story at an event tomorrow night, something I love to do. Thanks to generous gift givers, I’m treating myself to a mani/pedi at some point. On the actual day, my friends and I are going dancing. At some point, I’ll see my son and his girlfriend for a meal. On Sunday, ten of us are going to brunch.
And then we’re going to go visit my book at Powell’s. BECAUSE MY BOOK IS IN POWELL’S.
Honestly, all I want for my birthday is a proper publishing deal. All I have right now is word of mouth, which is where you come in. Please share The Sound Of Settling on your socials. You never know who might see it! Like an agent or a producer or Dave Grohl finally ffs.
I’d also love to have my birthday month be my most successful sales month yet, so if you haven’t gotten a copy yet, that’s another fantastic gift you can give me. It’s a mutually beneficial transaction!
I’ll leave you with an excerpt from my rock and roll love story. I’ve been told this is an effective marketing strategy, but I also can’t seem to break out of the 250 views hinterland on TikTok. But if we’re getting TikTok taken away from us, I might as well try to be its last viral author, right? That’s how we roll in #TaraLife, my friends.
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Tomorrow night Passover begins. This should be a reminder that one shouldn't go after the entire Jewish faith because of the behavior of Benjamin Netanyahu.
I happen to have what used to be referred to as Aspergers syndrome. So does Elon Musk. Also it is a reminder not to lump all "Aspies" together because of Elon.
I just feel totally hopeless and you don't care Tara. It seems like 95% of people in America support Doanld Trump and they WANT a dictatorship here. The American people are all morons. ALL of them. Only one exception :ME. I dare you to prove me wrong but you can't.